A HEART INSPIRED

Time. A blessing and a curse. A friend and a foe. Time and its passing. As a kid, there were moments when time literally stood still. There were moments that barely made an impression, only to reappear as a foggy image...many, many years later. Time. It could not move quickly enough for me. Only now, I cannot get it slow down. Where does it go, where has it gone? I want some of it back. Mom's will say there is never enough of it, kids will always want more. From  nine to five and then from five to eleven, it all comes down to how much time is left. I want some of it back. I want to rewrite some of it. I cannot wait to write the rest of it. God says that one minute is like a thousand, and a thousand like one. Can you even imagine it? A time, when time won't matter. It will just be endless and always new, at the same time.  The kids keep holding on for the perfect time to come. They reflect often on how perfect life was. They wait expectantly for it to be so again. I...

I spent the day quietly. I didn't open my Bible...but neither did I put the television on. I have been enjoying 'silence' recently. I did put my Christian radio station on half way through my day, but that was just to draw me nearer to God. I followed my heart. And that's where it led me. I visited some Christian web sites and was blessed with a Proverbs 31 Woman teaching. (Always a favorite). I have never been able to just sit in the silence....always having to have either music or TV in the background; something, anything to direct my thinking... away from thoughts that could have the power to consume me. I am a thinker. Sometimes to my own chagrin. But lately, I have grown to enjoy it, the silence; remarkably, I have stopped being afraid, {and intimidated and consumed by the stillness}. Which ever way you look at it, the need for constant noise, or company, like I'd call it, stemmed from a fear. Kind of. I think the things I was avoiding were the conversation...

I've always been honest on this blog. Ridiculously so. I don't know any other way to be. Especially behind the computer screen. Some of you may think that to be not wholly true, considering that all of the pictures I post of myself are a few years old and well, not completely a true depiction of my real appearance. To justify that, I'll just go ahead and claim ignorance, but I won't deny it. Its true. I take terrible pictures. Always have. So, any half decent picture of me is on my FB. Truthfully speaking, there are no good 'current' pictures, so why would I post them? And if there was a half decent "chubby" picture of mommy the kids are instructed to delete them into the black abyss that never was. This is the extent of my 'dishonesty' capabilities. Oh, and that little thing I do with friends or the general public, where I always smile and always say "everything is fine". This is not new for me. I've always been that way. A lot...

I cannot believe where this life has landed me. If you could see my life through my eyes, you would see the very distant future. Seldom, do I envision a year or two ahead. It's always decades...out of reach. Yet, that is what I have been focusing on. Probably, because life seems so difficult right now. Don't get me wrong, life is good. It's just, there are alot of things to worry about. Mostly survival. Keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table are my biggest worries. So, I often allow my thoughts to drift beyond the here and now. Where I'm certain life will be easier. The kids will all be grown, with their own families and I'll be free to work all sorts of crazy hours and not have to be concerned about the children. Going back to my first sentence.... I cannot believe where this life has landed me. Here, right now. In the very place I thought I would never be; Free spirited enough to take my dreams by the horns and run with them! A novel. Me. Now.  I...

You began as a wish, a hope and a dream a prayer in a bottle, sent down the stream The wait was brief, the promise received never would have thought, who could have believed A baby girl, to love and to keep oh my love, how it ran so deep A joy from the moment, I knew of your being I couldn't believe the face I was seeing Sweet and perfect, darling and mine to hold and to treasure, for all time We spent each moment, wrapped in splendor  no sacrifice at all, for this heart to surrender My world and yours, no space in-between for your trust and happiness were mine to glean The years they did fly, so fast and so swift the years we've shared are a cherished gift You've been dealt more than your share sometimes, I know, it hasn't seemed fare But the days they were hard and often long you made it thru, this life has made you strong You are my sweet girl, with guts and true wit...a mind of your own its been my pleasure an...

Had a talk at the kitchen table today with a dear old friend....well not old, just, we've been friends for a long time. Since the old days...a long-time friend. We both have a bunch of kids and we're both now raising teens. Well, the topic turned to discipline, purity, respect and responsibility. We moms, think a whole lot differently than you dads. There is a lot that weighs heavy on our shoulders.  Everything, from what they wear, to how they present themselves, to what they eat and when they eat it, to how much sleep they get, to who they hang out with, to what they listen to. Yes, to even what they think! Dads, I think are more concerned with letting the kids have their freedom..,letting them be kids. Possibly, letting them be all that they, themselves weren't. Moms, want for them, a life with no regrets. Yet, I may be generalizing. But anyway you look at it, we are cut differently. Fathers, want to provide financially and physically. Mothers.....

Today I wrote a poem for my very first born. Bria. I have poems for the other three children; a funny one for all four together, one for a dear friend who passed away and even one for me. But...not one JUST for Bria. It just so happens that I began writing this blog in May of last year...after her birthday. I have been waiting for her birthday to come around so that I could sit and spend some time just thinking of her. Giving her the special time she deserves. I wrote it today....I won't be posting it until her actual birthday in a couple of weeks. I tried not to go too deep, for I wasn't prepared for the emotions that it would take. I haven't allowed myself the reprieve of going back seventeen years. To be honest, the past six are somewhat of a blur. Most of you know why. I hate that I allowed the past six years to steal from me this time. Nevertheless, here we are. I cannot gain back those moments, I cannot rewrite them. Turns out, I don't have to. It is all wr...

Dare I say that most people...I'll say, the secular's, believe that Christians have it made in the shade...or at least believe that Christians , themselves believe they have it made in the shade.... Not that they believe we posses some secret or gift...but that we are somehow disillusioned and naive. Nothing could be further from the truth...once becoming a Christian, and having claimed Christs' Victory over death, for ourselves, there is an onslaught of turmoil and inward suffering to be dealt with. The flip side of this is the gift of eternity spent in splendor with the living God and before that, the hope of it. When succumbing to faith and the 'belief in a greatness,' fathomed by our gift of imagination and eclipsed by the reality of this fallen world, we are given...new eyes. A new heart. A new voice. A new pair of hands and a new pair of feet. There is a desire that overtakes you...and it is to be pleasing to the King. We falter often and wish we ...

At the end of all things reasoned, you will come to a place of sustainable faith. After having exhausted every fiber of your being; not so long after you have suffocated on the smoke and haze left behind by the fiery embers of your stubborn will; you will hopefully collapse into the ever graceful embrace of truth. At the end of all the possible probabilities, you will come to a place of mercy. After having resisted, kicked and screamed, with every ounce of human strength you could muster; not so long after your lungs have filled up with the mud and muck of the ghastly turmoil you chose to dive into headfirst; you will blessedly set your gaze upon the One who can redeem all things. At the end of all the excuses, you will come to a place of salvation. After humbling your mortal self and getting truly honest and real with the man in the mirror; not so long after you've found yourself clinging to the cross, you will assuredly sing the praises of your Creator.  Every good thin...

Bianca's Poem ~2012 It's Bianca's birthday and she's turning eleven No doubt about it, she's a little piece of heaven Blue eyes and never ending, golden locks The voice of an angel, that girl, she rocks From footballs and sparkles, to jewels and more She lights up my world, she's easy to adore She's smart and funny and sensitive too She's a lover of life and all things true A great friend and confidant, she really does care Leave it to Bianca to always be fair She'll travel the world mile after mile She'll reach for the stars, just to make you smile No stranger to heartache, she's shed a few tears She's an old soul, so much wiser than her years She's quick to give thanks, to the Lord above She's been blessed with grace and such a sweet love The world is her oyster and integrity her way She won't hold back, she'll reach her dreams some day The time, how its flown,...

Christians have a language all of our own. In each others company we inevitably steer our conversation toward the direction of inquiring of the Lord's presence in our lives. We acknowledge Him and His goodness, we praise Him....we comfort one another with His promises. It really is a dialect, all on its own, unlike those of non-believers. I smile just thinking about it. Often, in the presence of a non-Christian, I find myself longing for this comforting dialogue. There is a term often used in Christian Speak...."Don't Believe The Lies". These lies are the untruths whispered to us...either in our own minds, through media and society, sometimes, through the people we choose to associate with, sometimes, even from our loved ones. These lies are not of God. They are from the deceiver. The one who comes to kill, steal and abolish. When I was much younger, I heard these voices whispered . You are not pretty enough; You are not smart enough. You will...

There is no other emotion or experience that I can compare to repentance. The true, deeper than deep, gut wrenching, life changing, blood pumping, fist clenching, labor of sorrow. Sure, repentance is an action we take, but more than that is the seed that begets a new life. A seed may seem small to the naked eye, but think about its sole purpose. Think about what it becomes. When buried in the rich soil, watered and exposed to the light, it flourishes into the very nourishing, beautiful and sustainable life source one could not have fathomed had it not been witnessed. We've all taken a seed and planted it in those cute little styrofoam cups in kindergarten. Some dark dirt, a little tender loving care, and a window sill and before our very eyes, sprouts a stem. A little more loving care, and some more sun light  and a leaf buds. Its magical to watch. A birthing.  From just a tiny seed. The source of our seeking stems in repentance. Receiving ...

She lay in the meadow, the stars above She lay in the fields, dreaming of love Her beddress clinging, on the dewy bed Her heart pounding, deep in her head The heavens they twinkled, made promises too The dreams lay before her, if she only knew That daggers would pierce, and the wound would burn That she held in her hands, the stone she must turn A life lived  and only half spent A life forgotten and scarred with regret She lived her life as best she could Sometimes bad and sometimes good Dreams she drempt and tears she wept Dreams were born and promises kept She heard a voice, so mighty and true She held out her hands, for what else could she do There is One, who knows her, in her shame There is One, who loves her, just the same Forgiveness was birthed, and given in trust Forgiveness was had, and lay in the dust The stars they grew dim, in the early dawn The lies of the past, no longer a pawn How the sun it rises, to give hope...

Tradition...heritage passed down through the ages. Memories you can taste, smell and feel. Just the thought of a moment in time, from days gone by and you are instantly transported through the years. Smack down in the middle of it all, good or bad. I feel like such an old-timer. A certain kind of breeze takes me right back to a day in Florida, on Christmas break with an old high school boyfriend. Don't know exactly what it was about that moment, but that particular breeze works magic in my hearts remembering. Sometimes just before dusk, the late evening sun shines through the trees, shadows dancing, the air so crisp, curtains blowing, birds chirping...lithlessly, I'm taken back to our house in Voorhees, kids tucked away for the night and me lying on the sofa with a cold beer watching Bridges of Madison County.The beer, because the two main characters had enjoyed cold beers together, which before the movie, was a memory from the novel. Kids playing outs...

Little girl maiden...a love so true. There is no other quite like you.                                                           long before, she was a twinkle in her mothers eyes long before, all the not so white lies this brilliant little creature had a measure of love bursting to the brim and a gift from above so different from her mom, who was hardly a twinkle at all so different from the woman, who couldn't recognize her call she grew up fast, she grew up strong with direction and love, what could go wrong the differences between them so big, yet so small no one could have known, how swift the fall little girl maiden, she held on tight little fists blazing, she took to the fight no one had ever, come to your rescue little girl maiden, she came to save you in her eyes, you can do no...

One of these days I hope to write and inform you that the last post you had read of mine will have been the last of the dreaded "D" word...although I don't think I talk about it all that much on here, I do refer to it in a 'round about way when I indicate the "thing" that brought me and my kids to this place in our lives. I wish this was the last time I wrote about that, but honestly....it probably  isn't. Ugh, do I dare, actually go there? Its not like I can escape it. Not even for one moment. Every hour of our lives revolves around that one fateful event. Its not that we don't embrace what the Lord has allowed our days and nights to be....its just that we are human. And we remember. We are living this new life and we cannot look away . The human tendancy is to either portray everything as if it were all glowy and great or gloomy and glum! Me and the children happen to have very fond memories of our old life. Just as for me as a parent, I...