I have never been able to just sit in the silence....always having to have either music or TV in the background; something, anything to direct my thinking... away from thoughts that could have the power to consume me. I am a thinker. Sometimes to my own chagrin. But lately, I have grown to enjoy it, the silence; remarkably, I have stopped being afraid, {and intimidated and consumed by the stillness}. Which ever way you look at it, the need for constant noise, or company, like I'd call it, stemmed from a fear. Kind of.
I think the things I was avoiding were the conversations I would have with myself...either the complaining ones or the critical ones, primarily. But that didn't really do the trick, I would just find myself thinking louder... over the the drone of distractions. Somehow, I managed to go on and on and on and on...
Lots of times our negative thoughts or fearful thinking can become problematic. When you can't escape them and your actions/behavior begin to reflect, what may be irrational thinking. I'll give you an example; years ago when my kids were just very little, if and when I heard something frighting on the news, such as an accident, the death of a child, or some harm coming to a child, be it a choking hazard or God forbid an abduction, I would instantly be overtaken by such a gripping fear and quickly alter my plans or even the way I did things, so as to avoid an identical calamity striking my household. I used to think that was just my heart loving my kids; that obviously, any intelligent person with half their wits about them would go to such measures to protect their children. Mind you, this way of thinking and reacting put a lot of people off. Made quite a few, uncomfortable. No one seemed to be following my example. Everyone else seemed so darned care-free.
Fast forward ten years and having 'experienced' life, just a wee bit outside of my self-created bubble, I see very clearly how that may be construed as living in fear. And, yes, to some degree, it was. But there is something to be said about that gut instinct. Intuition. That feeling. That, when you know, you just know.
Today, I understand that gift to be the Holy Spirit. That Divine being, that resides in us. I have been blessed my whole life with the keen awareness of my 'inner voice' guiding me. Away from harm. Far, far away from danger. There were so many mishaps that I blessedly escaped as a young girl and later as a young woman working in the city. The other night, driving around town, there was a peculiar driver on the road. I'll spare you the details, 'cause I just don't need anyone laughing at me. Trust me, I get enough of that from the kids. Nevertheless, it really was a strange circumstance and my insides were at it again. It made me very aware of my surroundings and forced me to come up with a plan...just in case. I didn't mean to scare the kids...after I explained what my gut was vibing, they were actually impressed. And seemed relieved to have a mom who could easily be a secret agent... a mom, who always had their backs.
We talked about following your gut and that - that was the way the Holy Spirit spoke to us. And that conversation He's having with us, being one sided as it may seem, requires our involvement. We are the listener. The hearer. Sometimes it requires us to be the doer. Blake said he doesn't always follow that intuitive guidance. I think he changed his mind. I encouraged him to really, really learn to trust it.
This guidance is truly a blessing in that when a circumstance arises and we are gifted with an unmistakable 'knowing'...but its blind, where we just can't know what is coming. It lends itself to prayer. Immediate prayer. Today, my two teenagers did not walk through the front door promptly at 2:55pm like they have every single day since school started. I KNEW something was wrong. Not terribly so, because I wasn't doubled over, just....something wasn't right. Mind you, years ago, my kids dad would have been the rational one, allowing me to respond hysterically. Today, I didn't have to go that route. I turned my worries over to God. I prayed for their safe return home. Turns out, my instinct was right on target. Something was wrong....but nothing too serious. Again, my instincts {The Holy Spirit} let me know that too. By keeping me calm and reassuring me that everything would be okay.
The bus broke down on the way to the school. And thank God for that, because it could have been on the way home, filled with kids. Could you imagine a bus load of kids, in 90 plus temperatures. Or if a tire blew on the highway, or the engine burst into flames? Any number of things could have happened. And I trust that the moment it did, I would have been very aware. I will have already learned to listen. I've been doing it my whole life. Ten years ago, I would have crumbled to the floor in a pathetic, crying mess. Today, I stand firm in the knowledge that I have a connection to the One who can change circumstances. I have learned that I can ask God for things in my prayers. Like protection over my children. I used to think that God was too busy to listen to me, and I didn't dare ask for anything. Goodness no. That would be selfish...What a bunch of hogwash.
He cares. He listens. And as silly as my perceptions of God were, where I was concerned, there is one area I did have it right.
... I have always been a good listener, to my insides, at least.
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