One of these days I hope to write and inform you that the last post you had read of mine will have been the last of the dreaded "D" word...although I don't think I talk about it all that much on here, I do refer to it in a 'round about way when I indicate the "thing" that brought me and my kids to this place in our lives.
I wish this was the last time I wrote about that, but honestly....it probably isn't. Ugh, do I dare, actually go there? Its not like I can escape it. Not even for one moment. Every hour of our lives revolves around that one fateful event. Its not that we don't embrace what the Lord has allowed our days and nights to be....its just that we are human. And we remember.
We are living this new life and we cannot look away.
The human tendancy is to either portray everything as if it were all glowy and great or gloomy and glum! Me and the children happen to have very fond memories of our old life. Just as for me as a parent, I only remember that my babies were perfect. Perfect eaters, perfect sleepers, even perfect toddlers. {I've watched home-movies...that is not all true, yet, it is my perception betrayed by time}
The everyday struggles continue and sometimes our spirits are glum. Please don't take that to mean that we are lacking anything in our faith. God is good and He keeps getting us through. Moment by moment.One of my little ones is upset. She misses her old school and her old friends. And my heart breaks for her. Seeing her beautiful blue eyes well up with tears, watching her chin quiver...my heart actually aches and I am trying to be very diplomatic and realistic concerning her plight. We could not have stayed in our home nor in our town. It just was not possible. Financially. No way - no how. And its not like we haven't been talking about a "new fresh start" for ever and a day. We've talked about it and dreamed about it for years.
We had a different location in mind, albeit, but we didn't have a choice. I planned and I researched , I cried and I prayed...a whole lot. North Carolina would have to wait. We were being evicted. No money, terrible credit, a single mom with four kids and at the time, a dog. Where were we going to go? Who was going to rent to us? During this process, I was very, very quiet. Very, very still. I asked God to just provide the way.
It was with one phone call that God truly revealed Himself. Friends came into our lives with an answer and a way. Our destination was souther than south! Friends came along side of us and offered support and love. They came along side of us and offered smiles and hugs. With tears and a lot of helping hands, we were on our way. What an event!
And now, here we are. I have to trust that we are here for a reason. I don't dare turn from this. God has been so faithful in providing. I have to stay the course and show my faith in Him, I have to give Him the opportunity to do what He said He would do. Who am I to cut Him short, to say enough is enough?
I wish I could make all of the kids happy all of the time. I wish I could have done things differently. I wish I could have somehow spared them. I wish they never had to leave their old neighborhood and friends. I wish some things just never happened. I wish my kids could always keep the friends that they've had since they were born. I wish that my kids had an intact home with loving parents and all the security that they deserve. But, it is just not to be.
We want what everyone wants. To belong. To feel settled. To have lifelong relationships and experiences. It breaks my heart that our lives are so very different than I envisioned. But I have read in my ever-faithful Bible that God has such better things in mind for us. That all of my hopes for us could not even compare in the slightest glimmer to what He holds for us.That He alone can and will make all things right, to those who love and believe in Him.
There is a reason we have longing and visions. I see us in a cozy little town. With kind and loving neighbors. In a warm home. A home to call our very own. With enough of everything to spread around. Enough to share with so many others. I don't mean just stuff, just food. I mean enough of Gods love and grace, to literally light up this world.
In a few months, it will be six years, that I have been raising four children by myself. It is hard and exhausting work. Not just physically. I have to consider four little hearts with every single decision that I make. And there are alot of things to think about. All the time. I am constantly being pulled in a million directions, and without a dad in the house you can times that by two!The kids have their own dreams and ideas, wants and needs. I have to constantly be ready to adjust and mold, bend and re-adjust. God help the single mother!There are things that keep me up at night and dazed during daylight. Some days I've got it all figured out and others....well, not so much. I find myself either praying that God would hurry this whole thing up, or the actual opposite and begging Him to please slow things down!
There is a flip side to all of this. Marriage takes a lot of hard work. I didn't know that when I was married. I was too busy ignoring my husband to be "everything" to my kids....see what I mean. I should have said "our" kids.
Just the same, I have learned that marriages are a FULL time job in and of themselves. My life is not any better or any worse than that of my married friends. Each has their struggles as well as their glory. However, I do have the extra burden of being the only parent in the home with no sounding board, no one to tag team with. But my friends have a whole other person to be present for. To worry about and care for. To communicate with, even when communicating is the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day.
As a single, I have the distinct pleasure of praying for my friends' marriages. I love to do this. I hold the union to a very high standard. And, boy oh boy do I wish I knew then what I know now. I pray for blessing and honor, commitment and sacrificial love to cover each and every home that contains a wife and a husband. The responsibility to ones family is tremendous and it needs to be respected, it needs to be lifted up to the heavenlies for divine attention.
Of course I wonder if I'll ever get the opportunity to make "A-Go of IT" again. Get the chance to practice what I preach. That dream goes hand in hand with a multitude of concerns. I have four children to consider, at all times.Their happiness, safety and well-being! And the dangers of bringing a stranger into their lives. I have to take this very seriously. All of this making, getting 'hitched' not so easy for the one left behind. Not to mention that pretty soon it will by my oldest childrens' time to move in the direction of matrimony. I have had my chance and only God knows what He holds in store for me. It would have been wonderful to have had the opportunity to be a living example of a blessed marriage, but it may be that I just need to be very diligent in pointing out the great marriages all around us.
Thank you to all of the godly marriages that we do get to witness. You are beautiful examples to my young and impressionable kids. We cherish you. We are glad for you. Please hold steadfast to your bond. Little ones are watching. Single moms are looking to you as an example and a guide.
My kids are tremendously blessed to have so many loved ones that care for them. They are married couples, committed to one another and their families ~ which lucky for us, they have included mine in their warm circle.This resulting in two things. One being comfort. And the other, the longing we were talking about earlier. Kind of bitter sweet. Guess thats what makes the world go 'round...
As for me, I will try and continue to do the best I can, with God's help and direction, of course. Life is full of disappointments. Thankfully, it is full of good suprises and blessings too!
~ What God Has To Say About Marriage ~
Genesis 2:22 ~ And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, he made into a woman and brought her to the man ~
Mark 10:9 ~ What therefore God has joined together, do not let man put asunder ~
Corinthians 13:48 ~ Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things; Love never fails ~
Ephesians 4:32 ~ And be kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sakes has forgiven you ~
Ephesians 5:22 ~ Wives, submit yourselves unto your husbnads, as unto the Lord ~
Ephesians 5:25 ~ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it ~
Genesis 2:24 ~ Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother, and will cling to his wife; and they will be one flesh ~
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