Oh, and that little thing I do with friends or the general public, where I always smile and always say "everything is fine". This is not new for me. I've always been that way. A lot of us behave this way. Because, really who wants to hear our ugly? Seriously, every single one of us is dealing with stuff day in and day out. And we all, just want to hear that everything is 'Okay'. Don't we?
The reason I'm bringing up honesty is because of the things I want to talk about a little later. Its honest. Its raw. It may not win me any brownie points with my kids. My son in particular. I'm banking on the fact that he doesn't readily jump to read my blog, unless I sit him down and force him to listen to the most recent witty things mommy wrote about. True, he does my proof reading most times, because my spelling has gotten really atrocious lately. Still, this may embarrass him or possibly even piss him off a little. We'll see.I tend to write about myself, my kids, and our faith journey, because those are the things I can trust that I am knowledgeable in. I am not a nutritionist nor a fashion guru. I haven't traveled nor do I know anything about investments. I don't garden or hike. I do not have any degrees in any way shape or form. So that basically makes me a non-expert in everything. So I write about us.
I hope that I do not come across as a 'know-it-all' in my writing. 'Cause believe me...the only thing I do know...is that I'm still learning. And that I am so far from perfect. And that I mess up all the time. Like this one part of my life in particular that keeps me wondering if I'll ever get it right. My mouth. Boy, do I have a truck driver mouth. Sometimes. But not in front of grown ups. I curse. (I know, its shocking) I had it beat for a while about a year or so ago...had it beat good. Didn't even curse in my own head! For a while I used substitute words, you know all of them. The problem with those is that, well, we mean to say the same bad word, just with sugar on top. It does release stress for me and I guess that's the main reason. I yell out my choice expletive for the day and whamo! Stress free. Just like that.
But here's the thing. I do it in front of my kids. I actually say that I do it because they made me. Really? They made me? Yup. Because if they would just listen, and stop fighting and listen the first time and help out a little more and be more responsible and stop getting on my last nerve....you get the picture.
Okay. Got that of my chest. Now you all know. Val is so not perfect. She's fat and she curses. Great. I know I write all this motivational, cute stuff with scripture at the end of each post. That's because, at the time..., that is who I really am. That is who I want to be. I actually feel more spiritual and good when I'm done writing one of those pieces. So please forgive me if I have disappointed you. More importantly, I am grateful that my kids forgive me. Now to get them to stop with the language. Monkey see monkey do. Darn it!
So, I bring all this up, because I am going to share with you something very personal. And its going to lead to my profession of prayer and God's amazing gift of answered prayers and those yet to be answered. And to show you that you do not have to be perfect to have a relationship with God. Of course he doesn't like it when I allow myself to lose control of my tongue.Or my appetite for that matter. Certainly, it disappoints him. Just like we can disappoint our parents. Just like our kids can disappoint us. That does not make Him love us any less. Nor our parents love us any less. And certainly we cannot love our kids any less. His love is pure and just. We may have repercussions to deal with because of our misdeeds. But they are for our good. The perfect design. Otherwise, how would we learn a blessed thing?
My son is 15. He is 5'11 1/2" tall. He is unusually handsome. He is smart. He is funny. He is easygoing. He has God given abilities. He is kind. He is loyal. I hate to say this and I hate even more to admit it. But, here-goes. He does not have "self-confidence". Ouch. Darn that smarts. I could backspace and be done with it. (deep breath) I love him so much. I want him to have confidence. I would love to blame this on my ex-husband. For not being around. For never being around. For never rough housing with him. For never just being with him. But the funny thing is I can't. Well I did blame him. For a minute... the other day at basketball try-outs. When my son sat with me and his sisters instead of going out there on the court with the other 30 hopefuls. They were all gathered around the net, waiting for a chance to grab the ball and show anyone who was watching 'their game'. Here we sat on the other side of the court, and the whole while, I'm thinking, praying, hoping, begging...."please God, give him the courage to get out there". I kept thinking, 'Dammit Rick'.
But really, can I blame my ex-husband? No! The reason I can say that now is, well, think about it. Who's the one that has been with my son day in and day out his whole life? Me. How can I blame this lack I see in him on his father? When, I had all the opportunity in the world to instill this necessary characteristic in my son. This is where I have failed him. I found myself thinking, "How can I give him confidence, I'm not a guy. It's not my job. How can I give my son confidence I don't have?"
Turns out the answer is simple. Turn to prayer. Lean on God. My life is so silly busy. Busy with unimportant things. That for a moment I overlooked this area of my life. However, the reason I know the answer lies in giving this to God is because He has shown me in so many other areas of my life that He cares. He cares a lot. He actually cares more than I do. I shared with my son in conversation that I noticed this lack of confidence and how it broke my heart to watch. How, I know how talented he is and what a great job he can do out there on the court. How his lack of enthusiasm out there will only prove to be his secret weapon. How I am going to be praying for this area of his life. ( He took it like a real man! ) I am more CONFIDENT in this fact than I am about anything else. The praying part. Oh the sheer joy of anticipation. I will not be praying that my son be the best 'baller' out there. No. I will be praying that God's mighty hand would be on that boy. That His grace alone, will show him the way. That His unfailing mercy will be upon him. That He would bless my son with confidence in his heavenly Father. That He will anoint him with wings like eagles. That He would shine His light through him. That He alone will be his comfort and joy. That His very heart will be the very beat of my own son's heart.
He doesn't have to be the best kid out there. But I have seen first hand what "Knowing who you are in Christ" looks like. And it looks a lot different than what I witnessed Saturday afternoon. For some reason, my son is not sure of who he is in Christ Jesus. But he has a mother who does. A mother who is willing to get on her knees for him. A mother, who by the grace of God, isn't going to let her imperfections and guilt stop her from going to the Throne. Upon which the Creator of all the universe sits. Rejoicing at the sight of me, turning to Him. And handing Him my son.
~John Milton~ God is Faithful ....Let us with gladsome mind, praise the Lord for He is kind; For His mercies shall endure, ever faithful, ever sure.
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