The ~ Me ~ That ~ Never ~ Was

I just met her. The "Me" I always thought I wished I was. She was fabulous. Fabulously young and confident. Smart and savvy. You could tell she was a hard worker. Did I mention confident? This girl was definitely going places. But only if she doesn't let herself get in the way.

Initially, one would think she was unapproachable. Tall, blonde, polished. She's got it all together.

Now, the funny thing is....at that age, I never would have been able to start the conversation. So even though at first glance, I found myself  wishing I was more like her, it's the me I am today that allowed two complete strangers to have such a connection.

She is my oldest child's age. I remind her of her best friend. She and my daughter are living parallel lives. School. Work. More school and more work. So...we talked about school and we talked about work, while we sat waiting for our oil changes.

"So, you're in school? And you're working. Awesome. So is my daughter." / "She is? What is she studying?" / "She's not sure yet, what she really wants to do is travel the world." / "Oh my goodness! So do I! " / "Oh honey, you really should do it...just do it!" / I wish I could, I have so many responsibilities, with work and school...I have the money...it's just..." /  "I totally get that, and those things are very important, and your dedication is admirable, but your eyes just lit up when I mentioned traveling! You have to do it! I wish I had when I was young. Really, really, you have to."

And the conversation went on and on. And her eyes just beamed with excitement. She shared the difficult upbringing she had; her sister and she being raised by a single mom and how she learned to persevere through tough times. She works a lot and studies hard and hardly plays at all. Like never. But she wants to go places. Just like my kid. Just like me.

So, we talked and talked. And got really excited. I don't have many regrets. I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I did those things. The traveling bug is new to me. And I will have my time. But I want my daughter to have her time and I think the time is now. I want this girl to have her time too.

I don't know her name. I almost stopped her to get it. It may not matter. I'll always remember her. The slightest hesitation in her eyes. That confidence, that really isn't there. Oh, she almost had me convinced. But there she sat, this little girl that I could see, who wasn't nearly put together as she portrayed. I had to look really hard, beyond what she wanted me to see. But it was there. The unsurety. The longing. Similarly, we're all still little girls. That just need love and direction. To know, more than anything that we are special. And wanted.

The more we spoke, the more I realized I am and was a lot like her. This toughness. That doesn't really exist. It's bravado. Because we silently believe that no one can or will help. That no one could possibly, really care. So we say it doesn't matter. We say, we can do it all. But we can't.

So, I find myself praying for this woman/child. For the me, that never was. That God would bless her with an all encompassing love.  That she would know the love of a father. (She never knew her dad, either). Because that is how we were designed. With the desire to be cherished. In particular by our fathers. And sometimes our earthly versions fail. And fail miserably. Sometimes they do ok. And sometimes, they rock it.

Either way, that ache is present. Because we feeble humans are just that. Human.

I'm so glad I met this girl. We hugged and told each other how happy we were to have met. I wished her a blessed life full of travels and joy. She wished me a wonderful life. And we parted ways. Watching and waving, laughing at what the other's must have thought and joking that they must think we're the oldest of friends!

This has more than anything, given me a glimpse of how precious this life is. How we have only one~go~at~it. And how we can't, though we try, turn back time. There is no going back. It's renewed in me a desire for my daughter's dreams to come to pass. I will allow her dreams to mingle with mine and see her through on this mission. To see the world.

I can't be 18 again. But she is. Just this once. And I have goals I need to accomplish and there are 3 other kids to raise. But honestly, this little angel I met today has set on course my daughters next big adventure. We've got plans to make.

I may not know her name, but my heart does.